Monday, December 5, 2011

The Lonely Monster

Lately I've been getting visits. Not the kind of visits with a dear friend that my heart yearns for. No-these visits are from the Lonely Monster. You know, that Lonely Monster? Maybe you don't, but I sure do. I used to have lots of friends, and we hung out all the time. Now I have very few friends, and we're all so busy that we barely see each other. Oh and my really great, truly stick-with-you-through-anything-friends? We talk almost daily. They're my sisters that I just never had. 
It makes me sad to be visited by the Lonely Monster. I don't understand why. Like I don't understand why some people say they want to be your friend but they never call or get together with you. (Preaching to the choir here!) Do I take initiative and call them? If they wanted really truly to be my friend wouldn't they make an effort? So do I not call and just whine about it? What have I done wrong to make all these people I long to be friends with not want to be friends with me? Where did this Lonely Monster come from, and why now? What can I do to make him go away?! I need him to go away. Desperately. I'm tired of being lonely. I'm tired of guessing why people don't want to be my friend. It makes no sense to me! Please-what have I done? And it's totally wrong of me to be a tad jealous when other people hang out with the ones I want to be friends with. I'm praying about this. I want and I need God to make me content with where I am in life in regards to friends. I'm tired of this Lonely Monster in my life. Always telling me everyone's too busy or I or my kids aren't good enough for them to be friends with. I need God's peace. 
Maybe I have done this to myself? Maybe I've cut myself off? Maybe I don't try hard enough to get together with people I want to be friends with. Maybe I need to put myself out there. 
How and where do I go from here?
What makes the Lonely Monster go away for good? 
I know I'm good at hiding this. I know I may not seem like a girl that needs friends, but I do. 
I'm lonely. 

-Originally written September 23, 2011

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