Saturday, December 10, 2011

Glamorous Parenting

Sometimes parenting isn't as glamorous as it may seem. You have bad days. You are dealing with another sinful human. A little one. One whom it is your duty to raise and teach right from wrong and when they're in the wrong, to lovingly correct them and set them right again. Today has been a not so glamorous day. Goober Pie seems to be in a phase where he literally almost hates me. He hates my instruction, he won't listen to it. He sometimes hates me as a person and lashes out, hitting, screaming, kicking, pushing, pulling my hair and scratching me. He hates that my attention is sometimes given to Chickpea, his sister. He hates if my attention is given to my phone. Which I've been staying off of as much as possible the last few days to avoid any attention getters that are not so nice. Not only can he not be nice to me, but he can't be nice to his sister, either. Constantly doing something mean to her. And the dog. And the cat. The only person he's not mean to? His Daddy. Thank God for his Daddy. He keeps him straight. And when I'm at my literal wit's end with Goober Pie, Daddy steps in and saves the day. He can with just a few words make him obey. While I tried all afternoon. It's totally not fair, but it is what it is. I'm constantly praying for me to have patience in dealing with Goober Pie, and for his behavior towards me to change. I also have him pray. I'm praying that this is just a phase. He is teething, and teething tends to make a monster come out of him. I'm also trying to get on his level, and have screen free time spent with him either reading, playing with his toys, or doing something else constructive. Overall my feelings are hurt. What?! By a 2.5 year old. Yep. It's the truth. I want him to want to be nice to me. I want to see that he can behave. I want to see that he can be calm and nice in his home, with his family. Other people tell me that's he's well behaved when he's with them. Why do I get all the brunt of the bad behavior? I'm at my wit's end. Today was hard. Parenting is not glamorous when you're raising depraved children and you yourself are depraved! But I'm going to keep on keeping on, going to keep praying, and keep training up my son in the way he should be brought up according to God's Word. And I'm going to hold on to the tiny shred of hope that one day, he will respect me. He will respect my instruction and teaching. He will show me kindness. He will be the sweet little boy that I know that he can be. And he CAN be sweet. Interspersed in all this crazy behavior, he's giving me hugs, kisses, and telling me that he loves me. He shares with Chickpea, gives her hugs, kisses, and her paci, makes her laugh.
In the end I know that this is just a phase, and that he's never a lost cause and that the endless effort, tears, frustrations & prayers I put into parenting Goober Pie WILL pay off.

Monday, December 5, 2011


Her eyes open, I watched as she peacefully passed Sunday, September 11, 2011. She was the second Grandparent I've lost. I'm glad I was there. It's hard seeing ones you love die, but so nice knowing (if they are saved by grace) that they are going to the Place where they're meant to be. Heaven. Where they'll sit at the feet of the Heavenly Father worshipping Him all day long. In a perfected body with no pain! I'm glad I was there. 
We knew Grandmother was ill. She had been for a couple of months. Then she started acting strange. She took a fall. We were told after tests came back negative that it was just a progression of her Alzheimer's. Then, on Wednesday, the sisters (my Ma & her sisters, my Aunts) took her to the er. Come to find out she had an intestinal blockage. Which she wasn't a candidate for surgery because 1-her mental condition and 2- her advanced directive in her Living Will. You see, she and my Grandfather have made all their medical decisions and decisions about the end of their life already. Their bodies are already willed to the research program at UT Southwestern. They decided this years ago. I greatly admire them for this. I hope to do the same for my family. When the end of life comes, the decisions about how to care for them and whether or not to put them on a feeding tube or have a surgery has been made. And the family can rest well knowing they're following the wishes of their loved one. 
They gave her a week to live and she came home on Friday night under the care of Hospice.  She hadn't been doing well, in fact she had taken a turn for the worse. Saturday came and she was near the end. So sudden, so soon, so quick. The kids and I were visiting family in Oklahoma with my Mother-in-Law when I got news that my Grandmother would be passing anytime. All were with her but the kids and I, holding hands around her, praying and reading Scripture. We immediately came home and went straight to the apartment. She was sleeping. Never to be woken again. I spent the afternoon and evening at my grandparents apartment. Visiting with family, holding my Grandmother's beautifully manicured hand. Learning all the little details I had missed not being in town. I went home that night & slept. I had to. I couldn't stay up there. I have a baby who needs sleep. I've been gone all week. My husband needed me. My husband, daughter and I went up to my Grandparents apartment the next morning. Again visiting with family. Praying. She was still sleeping. Having bouts of sleep apnea. Then the change came. We were told to come. To be quiet. Her eyes were open. But they saw not. What was she looking at? What did she see? Was it the glorious light of Heaven welcoming her? We watched as she breathed her last. We grieved. After a couple of hours her body was retrieved by the medical personnel from the place where she would go. I remember thinking "This is the last time I'll ever see her!" I Immediately corrected myself; her earthly body, yes. But I'd see her once again. In Heaven. When my time comes I'll see her again! What a comfort! How sweet it is to know she's made whole again in Heaven with her Lord! 
The following Tuesday we had a private family memorial service for her. 
I will always remember her and love her. She loved books. I used to sit with her in her recliner reading book after book for as long as we both fit. She loved working crossword puzzles. Classical music was always on at her house. She loved her cats. She loved chocolate. She loved staying up late and watching M*A*S*H. She loved birds and bird watching. She loved gardening and flowers. She loved dogs. She loved children. She loved my children. She made funny sounds and faces at them. She kissed our birthday and Christmas cards. She loved the color blue. She loved ballet type slippers. She loved the outdoors. She let us play on her piano & helped teach us songs. Christmas mornings with Breakfast of SOS and dinner with sandwiches. She was a sweet woman. A wonderful Mother and Grandmother who raised 4 beautiful daughters and has 4 granddaughters, 1 grandson, and 7 great grandchildren! 
Her legacy is one of beauty. 
Patricia Anne Freeman. Born October 10, 19 Died September 11, 2011.  Married 61 years to her loving husband, who cared for her all her life. Even when she was on her deathbed he made sure she had enough covers. 
Remembered by all with great love! 

-Originally written November 26, 2011. I hesitated publishing this because I tend to be a pretty private person, but I think I need to. And you need to read it. 


Has not been a good day. At least, most of it hasn't. I feel discouraged, defeated, worthless. All because of a comment made. I'm a simple person. I do not have a great IQ nor do I have a strong mind. I am quite scatter brained and frazzled. I do not communicate well. I stumble over my words. I think too highly if myself but I never live up to those expectations. I am defeated. Broken. But I'm not worthless in the eyes of my Savior. Isn't His the only opinion that really matters? It's His I need to focus on. It's HIM I need to focus on. When I feel defeated and worthless I can count on my Savior to remove my burdens & lift me up. To encourage my feeble & failing mind. 

-Originally written November 19, 2011

Another Love

Cold sheets. I love crawling into bed with the sheets cold & snuggling under the covers with just my nose & eyes peeking out. It means that Fall is here. And I LOVE Fall. 

-Originally written October 30, 2011

The Facts

I have a finger-sucking', blankie-loving son. 
I have a paci-loving, needing-to-always-be-held daughter. 
Each unique in the way they're comforted. 
One common comfort they do share is breastfeeding. 

-Originally written October 18, 2011

Favorite Sound 2

Another all-time favorite sound?
The sound of the train blowing it's horn on a crisp, cool morning or chilly night. I've heard it my entire life. It's very comforting. Relaxing.

-Originally written October 18, 2011

The Lonely Monster

Lately I've been getting visits. Not the kind of visits with a dear friend that my heart yearns for. No-these visits are from the Lonely Monster. You know, that Lonely Monster? Maybe you don't, but I sure do. I used to have lots of friends, and we hung out all the time. Now I have very few friends, and we're all so busy that we barely see each other. Oh and my really great, truly stick-with-you-through-anything-friends? We talk almost daily. They're my sisters that I just never had. 
It makes me sad to be visited by the Lonely Monster. I don't understand why. Like I don't understand why some people say they want to be your friend but they never call or get together with you. (Preaching to the choir here!) Do I take initiative and call them? If they wanted really truly to be my friend wouldn't they make an effort? So do I not call and just whine about it? What have I done wrong to make all these people I long to be friends with not want to be friends with me? Where did this Lonely Monster come from, and why now? What can I do to make him go away?! I need him to go away. Desperately. I'm tired of being lonely. I'm tired of guessing why people don't want to be my friend. It makes no sense to me! Please-what have I done? And it's totally wrong of me to be a tad jealous when other people hang out with the ones I want to be friends with. I'm praying about this. I want and I need God to make me content with where I am in life in regards to friends. I'm tired of this Lonely Monster in my life. Always telling me everyone's too busy or I or my kids aren't good enough for them to be friends with. I need God's peace. 
Maybe I have done this to myself? Maybe I've cut myself off? Maybe I don't try hard enough to get together with people I want to be friends with. Maybe I need to put myself out there. 
How and where do I go from here?
What makes the Lonely Monster go away for good? 
I know I'm good at hiding this. I know I may not seem like a girl that needs friends, but I do. 
I'm lonely. 

-Originally written September 23, 2011