Thursday, June 24, 2010

My Miscarriage (Part 1)

I had dealt with the sorrow of miscarriage in my life before my own.  My Mother had a miscarriage when I was 9.  It was extremely hard to deal with. My sister and I were so young. As I got older a married friend of mine had a miscarriage.  She dealt with it so gracefully.   I admired her greatly for it.  It's something that I never wanted to experience.  Little did I know what was to come in April 2008.

You know they tell you that when you're pregnant you just know it? Well I had this feeling that I was pregnant. And my belly started changing shapes.  And AF was a couple of days late.  So my husband went and bought me a pregnancy test one night while I was out with a friend.  When I got home, I took it.  Those 2 minutes you have to wait sure did seem like an eternity.  It was POSITIVE! We were overjoyed! So very excited! We decided to go ahead and call our parents, at that very moment.  So I called his, and he called mine, each announcing to them our pregnancy in some unique and fun way.  I made an appointment with my regular Dr. to confirm my pregnancy and get his advice on OB's.  I was working at the time, and I remember I was buying some expensive chocolate for a customer for my boss when I received the call from my Dr.  I let it go to voicemail. As soon as I got back in the car, I listened to the message.  Yes, we were pregnant!  Blood tests confirmed it.  I was 6 weeks along, putting my due date early November.  I called my husband right away and told him the great news.  Next step was making an appointment with an OB/GYN.  I called, and the office was SO booked that it was going to be about a month before I was able to see them.  I was bummed, but knew I had to wait.  So the belly grew.  I seriously looked pregnant. I didn't experience any "normal" signs of pregnancy.  No feeling queasy, no morning sickness, no breast tenderness.  I think I peed more.  And I definitely ate more.  (One of the reasons my husband knew I was pregnant before we even tested was that we went out to eat at a fast food joint, Whataburger I believe, and I consumed a WHOLE Whataburger, fries, and drink.  I NEVER ate THAT much...)  I was exhausted as well.  Like going to bed at 8 or 8:30pm exhausted.  I also had lots of cramping.  A couple of times, quite painful cramping.  Like doubled over in pain cramps/twinges/sharp pains.  Scary. And then the day arrived of my first appointment, Monday, April 7, 2008.  My first ultrasound. My hubby met me at the OB's office.  I found out I was 10 weeks, 6 days pregnant.  Further along than I thought.  We had to wait FOREVER once we got back to the room.  Apparently the girl in front of us in the ultrasound room was having complications.  And since they only had ONE ultrasound room, we waited forever.  I was nervous, and anxious.  Ready to have this appointment out of the way.  Finally they came and got us, telling us it was our turn.  The girl that was in the room before came out.  Glowing.  She was probably in the age range of 14-16.  Her parents were there.  Her boyfriend or the father of her baby was.  They all looked happy.  Our turn.  I was nervous. Especially after Dr. Hardick was seeming to take a long time with the ultrasound.  She finally told us what was going on.  She couldn't find a heartbeat.  As soon as she said those words, my heart broke. Hot tears started streaming down my face as she explained what was going to happen next.  I was in utter shock.  Our next step was to go downtown to the hospital for another ultrasound to see if they could confirm or deny the heartbeat.  I was in agony as we left and got instructions on what to do from the receptionist.  And there was Glowing Pregnant Teen Girl.  So happy.  Everyone who looked at me just gave me sad looks.  I guess they were sympathetic.  My husband drove as I was obviously not in a condition to do so.  I first called my boss to tell her what was going on and why I had been gone for 3 hours and why I probably wouldn't be coming back to work.  I then called my Mom to get directions to where we needed to go and also tell her what was going on.  She decided to meet us downtown.  My husband also called his Mom, giving her details of what was going on.  I had to wait awhile at the hospital for my ultrasound as well.  The lady performing it was nice, like the kind of nice people are to you when you've experienced a loss of some sort.  She performed the ultrasound and didn't tell me anything other than she would have my Dr called with the results.  That's when it started.  THE BLOOD.  The WORST PART of my miscarriage.  When we got out to the car, my Dr called.  No baby heartbeat.  My fears were confirmed.  The child in my womb was no longer living.  I was no longer growing him/her.  She gave me options on how to handle the miscarriage.  My husband and I talked about it and I decided I wanted to let everything happen naturally.  By the time I got home, I was anxious to take a shower and put on a pad.  I could feel the blood oozing out of my body.  I could feel my child leaving me. I could SEE the evidence of the loss.  I cannot tell you how HARD that was, and still is.  It makes me cry...  My MIL met us at home to offer her support.  She was so very sweet.  I was mainly in a daze and still crying.  I decided to go to work the next day as I had nothing better to do.  A flower and note telling how sorry she was for my loss awaited me on my desk from my boss.  That made me cry.  I had to tell people that knew I was pregnant that I had a miscarriage.  That made me cry.  I had to do research on what to expect when dealing with a miscarriage naturally.  That made me cry.  Every time I went to the bathroom I cried.  The blood.  The clots.  It was just horrible! By the end of the day, I was experiencing menstrual like cramps.  By the time I got home, they were a little worse.  They slowly intensified as the night wore on.  I finally was in so much pain that I got out of bed and called the Dr on call. He said there wasn't anything he could do for me.  Other than prescribe some heavy duty pain killers or take Tylenol.  Great, thanks.  I was in so much pain it was unbearable.  I was having contractions.  I didn't know how to handle them.  I tried to breathe through them.  I was in such agony.   I was supposed to take my boss to the airport that morning, very early.  Yeah, totally didn't happen by me.  I was writhing in agony on my couch.  My sweet husband took her while my Mother came over to stay with me.  As soon as my Dr's office opened at 8am, I called and told them what was going on.  My Dr told me to go to the ER at the hospital and ask for an emergency d&c.  Off we went.  Me still in horrible, mind numbing pain.  When we got there, my husband dropped me off so he could go park the car and a guard wheeled me into the hospital.  It was horrible being there those few minutes without him.  Without anyone.  I had to tell them who I was and why I was there-while having contractions.  Intense contractions.  While I felt that all eyes were on me.  I was trying to be brave, but it wasn't happening.  Especially since my husband was not by my side.   Once I was taken to a room, I was seen by the Dr. in training.  He said his boss needed to evaluate me before they could move on, give me pain meds, etc.  He also said he had no idea what to tell me at my loss.  What do you say to someone who's having a miscarriage? My Mother suggested "I'm so sorry for your loss" which he said and I acknowledged and thanked him for.  From this point on in the story, it was HELL.  And I'm NOT KIDDING.  The Dr that was on call was, to put it lightly and nicely, a horrible Dr. with shameful bedside manner.  He came in and asked me about my pain, what my symptoms were, etc.  He said he needed to check me (pelvic exam) to see what was happening with my body, and then he'd decide what to do with me.  Whether give me pain meds, wait for everything to happen naturally there at the hospital, or give me pain meds and send me home and have me come back when I was exhibiting more "signs" of a miscarriage.  Uh, excuse me? I'm in TREMENDOUS amounts of pain, bleeding, having contractions every 5 minutes.  I think those signs prove a miscarriage itself right there.  He sent everyone out of the room to do my check.  He had his Dr. in training side kick come in.  And there were a couple of nurses.  Let me tell you something about me.  I've not had a male Dr since I was 5.  I didn't ever want a male Dr.  Especially an OB.  Especially looking at my vagina.  That's for my husband's eyes only, thank you.  So I was SUPER nervous about this RUDE Dr. checking me.  And his assistant/sidekick had to be there.  When I get REALLY nervous, I get ALL splotchy.  Around my neck area mainly.  After ROUGHLY and RUDELY checking me, he said he was going to go talk to my family about what was going on.  He also made some comment about my splotches that was rude and totally inappropriate.  The nurses tried to comfort me giving me that, I'm so sorry he's an a-hole sort of look.  So this Dr, he goes outside my room door, leaves it open a few inches to where I can see and hear EVERYTHING, gathers my family, and TELL THEM I'M A PSYCHO!!!!!!!!!!! He tells them that he thinks that my symptoms are ALL in my head.  That I'm crazy.  That he doesn't really think I'm having a miscarriage.  He just thinks I'm making it up for attention.  He wants to give me some pain meds and send me home.  Let me tell you-I was LIVID! Out of my mind mad!!!!  As soon as my family came back in, I went off.  I know I got close to cussing (wouldn't you?!).  My husband and all my family was livid as well.  So he decided to call my OB, tell her what happened, and see if she could come down to the hospital to perform the d&c herself (she had a prior obligation which is why she wasn't there before) or if she could get us a new Dr. since the one currently "taking care" of us was a huge jerk.  By the time my new Dr. came in, I was on a stronger pain medicine and very woozy.  I remember being wheeled down to the room where they were going to be performing my d&c.  I remember them telling me what was going to happen, looking at the tools they were going to do it with, and then...I woke up needing to pee so horribly.  I wasn't in any pain anymore! I went through recovery very fast and was so very glad to get home.  I felt so different...No pain. Minimal bleeding.  I felt wiped clean.  Literally.  I felt clinical.  Like everything before had just been a nightmare.  But it seemed so real and fresh.  My baby was gone.  Scraped out of my womb.  I don't even know if it was a boy or girl.  I wish I did.  Why didn't they tell us? Did I tell the Dr I didn't want to know in my pre-surgery haze? Had he asked?  I felt so detached from the situation, but the pain of loss was all too real.  

More on this story to come...

Gluten Free Cinnamon Raisin Bread

 Gluten Free Cinnamon Raisin Bread
(Made in the bread machine)

  • 2 tsp Yeast
  • 2 Cups Pamela's Baking Mix
  • 1 tsp Organic Cane Sugar
  • 1 Tbsp Butter
  • 1 Tbsp Milk powder
  • 1 tsp Salt
  • 2 tsp (or more) of cinnamon
  • 3/4 Cup Raisins
  • 1 Cup water
Put in machine as directed by manufacturer.  Bake on Light mode.

Here's how mine turned out.

Here's my breakfast from this morning!

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Gluten Free Rosemary Bread

I adapted this recipe and modified it slightly to fit my needs.  The recipe in it's originality can be seen here

Gluten Free Rosemary Bread
(Made in a bread machine)
  • 1 Cup water
  • 3 Tbsp EVOO
  • 1 1/2 tsp Sugar (I used organic cane sugar)
  • 1 1/2 tsp Salt
  • 1/4 tsp Italian seasoning
  • 1/4 ground black pepper
  • 1 Tbsp (or more) dried Rosemary
  • 2 1/2 cups of Pamela's Baking Mix
  • 1 1/2 tsp active dry yeast
Place ingredients in the bread machine as directed by the manufacturer.  Select white bread cycle and press Start.

Here is the finished product!

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

The Separation

On September 26, 2007, I left my marriage.  For various and serious reasons.  I thought my marriage could not be saved.  I thought divorce was my only option.
My parents were kind enough to let me move back home with them.  Even though they disagreed with my reasons for leaving, they still offered their love and support.  I had been to counseling by myself several times and personally felt that it was not helping.  I was discouraged because my husband didn't want to go with me.  I felt like everything that happened was always my fault, even though it wasn't.  
I am a Christian.  I said divorce would never be an option. Yet there I went to an attorney's office to file the paperwork.  Yet I ignored my husband's calls, texts, and voicemails and tried my hardest to forget he existed.  Yet I resisted the advice of my concerned parents and sister.  Yet I refused the counsel of my pastors.  
Then my car got broken into.  I had to call my husband, our debit card had been stolen.  It was the first time I had talked to him.  This was the Sunday after Thanksgiving.  He seemed so distant, polite, cool towards me on the phone.  It was weird.  
Life was crazy.  Not in a good way.  Things happened.  Friendships were taken were they shouldn't have gone.  Friendships were lost, abandoned. 
I felt like I was sinking.  Yet I knew I trusted God.  But why weren't things going MY way? 
I finally counseled with my elders.  I had to.  Crazy things had happened and it was imperative. I promised them I'd call my husband.  Try to think about taking steps toward reconciling.  After all, my life was going down the drain.  All hope was lost.  And he had been in counseling and improving his life.  I finally got the nerve up to call him. We agreed to meet the following Thursday. This was Sunday, January 25, 2008. On Monday at work he called me.  Telling me all the things I so desperately wanted and needed to hear. We weren't waiting to see each other.  He was coming over that night.  To my parents.  For dinner.  And to talk.  I was so nervous.  Butterflies were running rampant in my tummy.  He arrived.  He looked good.  He was still wearing his wedding ring.  He told me as we talked after dinner that he had never stopped being married to me.  He asked if I still had my wedding ring.  Of course I did! I started wearing it again.  That Wednesday, I decided to go back home.  Yes, we had A LOT to work out.  But with God, all things are possible.  
After I went back we counseled with our elders for several months and worked all our issues out.  He has kept his promises.  I have kept mine.  We are very happily married! By God's grace He took us through the fire, and brought us out stronger!  I'm thankful that God has allowed us to be reconciled and that He has strengthened our marriage.
No, I'm not proud of leaving.  Of the things that I did and said.  Of the pain I caused A LOT of people.  But I am thankful that God did not abandon me in my time of need.  He sanctified me.  He drug me through the fire.  I was burned but I came out stronger.  God knew that this had to happen in my life.  In our life.  I'm thankful He's the One that plans life's details and not me. I'm thankful that He knows all things.  I'm thankful that He's a Merciful and Loving God. I'm thankful for marriage.  I'm thankful for my husband and what we've been through to bind us closer together.  I'm thankful I made the commitment that divorce is not an option.  I'm thankful God didn't let me have my own stubborn, sinful way. I'm thankful for the love my parents, sister, and true friends showed me in this time.  I'm thankful for the counsel that my pastors gave us. I mourn the friendships that were lost.