Thursday, July 15, 2010

My Miscarriage (Part 2)

After I had my emergency d&c, I was able to recover at home for a day.  Friends brought meals and spoke comforting words. I was scheduled to go to Vegas for a huge Expo with my job that Saturday. So back to work I went on Friday.  I remember being empty.  Scatterbrained.  Wondering when I'd get back into my pre-pregnancy clothes and shape.  I had a hard time concentrating that day.  My boss was not that sympathetic-after all, I'd had a DAY to recover, right? After work I went home and packed my clothes and then later on went to bed.  I was still bleeding from the surgery. It was very light bleeding, so it wasn't as hard to deal with.  I still felt so empty.  I don't know quite how to describe it...Did it really happen? Was I really pregnant?  There seemed to be no tell-tale signs except light bleeding...  I got up bright and early on Saturday and headed off to Vegas for my work trip where I would go  ignore what had just happened to me. I didn't dwell on the fact I had just had a miscarriage.  Instead I threw myself into my work and tried hard NOT to think about it. I don't know if I should have even gone on that trip. I don't think so-but God knew what He was doing. I mean-WHY did I leave my husband a couple DAYS after we had lost our first child? That's crazy!  He needed me, I'm sure. He was still mourning...and off I went.  To my work Expo.  Away from home, from family, from what my reality held at the time-a loss.  A devastating loss.  After I got home  my husband and I talked about when we wanted to try to get pregnant again.  I just could not even think about it. And he was ready! I was not.  I was still devastated, heart broken.  I was empty.  I had made the decision (mostly on my own) that I was going to go BACK on birth control.  After all, what was a 22 year old girl with a *GREAT* (NOT) job doing thinking about starting a family? I had an appointment with my OB/GYN the day after I got back from Vegas.  I told her I wanted to go back on the pill and she gave me a prescription. I had it filled much to my husband's chagrin.  He wanted to try to have another baby.  I did not.  The months that followed my miscarriage are very sad, in my mind.  I went completely wild.  At least, wild for me.  I didn't really want to be married anymore.  I wanted to be on my own.  I made my job my number one priority.  I was so lost in myself, still taking the birth control to avoid the horrible pitfall of becoming pregnant again.  I wanted a different life.  And then, slowly but surely, God started pulling on my heart.  Taking it back to Him.  Back to my dream of wanting to be a wife and Mother above all else.  Even, a JOB.  My boss and I really were not getting along.  She was wanting perfection. I'm here to tell you that I'm not perfect-at all!  Then my husband and I went out for a date night in August of 2008. Our date nights had turned into quiet times, cause I was not being the wife I needed to be.  He brought up the wanting to start a family thing again.  I started crying.  I told him that I was FINALLY ready to start thinking of starting a family.  I told him I was tired of my job taking time away from family things and from us.  I told him I was sorry for a lot of things. He was so kind, caring and gentle. We were both emotional.  I went away from that night happier than I'd been in a really long time.  God had put peace in my heart, and it was leaking through! 
After that I went off the pill and we started trying to conceive. A couple months passed by with no pregnancy.  By October 1, 2008, I was gone from my job.  After an ugly episode with my boss, I chose not to go back. And then, we found out we were pregnant with Goober Pie!  I was closely monitored by my OB for the first few weeks since I had a history of miscarriage.  Everything turned out to be fine! We made the announcement to our respective families and friends and they were so excited with us!  I had a happy, healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby boy born! 

I'm so grateful for the path God chose to take me down. It was not in the least bit easy, but it really strengthened my relationship with God, with my husband, and reconfirmed in my life what things were priorities.  

If you've had the sorrow of miscarriage in your life, please know that you are not alone.  It isn't easy! But good things can come after a loss.  For several people I know, they are more fertile after they miscarry.  God seems to really bless those who miscarry with fast subsequent pregnancies.  Keep your chin up, and know that God works everything out for HIS good and we are here to glorify Him.  Through our trials and tribulations He brings us closer to Him.  

Now I need to write Goober Pie's birth story...


MuseOddity said...

Losing a child, no matter when the loss occurs, is so hard. I'm sorry you and your hubby had to experience this! I found that being pregnant again after a loss brings such a different experience and point of view. I took nothing for granted the second pregnancy, I reveled in the miracle of finally getting to hear a heartbeat and I'm sure you did too. I think loss makes you appreciate the delicateness of life on a whole new level. Thanks for sharing your story. My story of loss is posted on my blog too.

OperaDiva said...

You have grown into such an amazing woman, wife, and mother. I am so proud to call you my friend, and so sad that I had no idea what you were going through then! Granted, I was in a terrible state of mind to help give anyone advice at that time, so I'm not sure how much my support meant. God has done some amazing work in both of our lives, and you have been such an encouragement to me along the journey that is our friendship.